On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses. I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore. You actually picked up the phone the first time I called. Victor: Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today. Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you? It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor. Me: You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance. Victor: Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone. Victor: WHAT IF I WAS DEAD? WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED? Who would be talking to you from my ankle. And then you’d have to explain that to the police. Me: Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor. Me: Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone. Victor: But at least you’d answer the phone. Me: That would make it very hard to talk to you. Victor: I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle. Me: That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.
#Why is my voice cracking so much girl code#
We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me. Me: Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something. Me: You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all. Me: Why is the sky blue? Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof? Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that. Victor: Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone? She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called. Me: The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED? WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS? I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize. Me: Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected. I just turned the ringer off accidentally.
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I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT. Victor: YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS. I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.
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Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic. Me: Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone. Me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in. The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone: Me: You should probably just say “Thank you.” Victor: I…don’t even know what to say to that. Me: I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world. WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU? Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone: